I had an awesome conversation today with my friend, David. We talked about our preferences on whether to text or call when chatting with friends. We both agreed that our preferred method is calling. And we both agreed that most people we know prefer texting.
This is a thing I struggle with constantly. I very much prefer to chat on the phone. Mostly because I love chatting on the phone. Especially when it’s been a while since I’ve spoken to the person on the other end of the line.
No one in my life prefers to talk on the phone. Other than my Dad. We are increasingly the same person.
Everyone prefers to text.
This fits an overarching theme I have for one of the pillars of modern society.
Selfishness.
This isn’t an overt or aggressive form of selfishness. And I don’t think it carries many of the most negative connotations of the word. But the preference towards texting does seem to have a couple of negative aspects, which could be rooted in two concepts: time management and autonomy.
No one can make you engage, if you don't feel like it.
With a text, you don’t need to stop what you are doing. No need to stop binging that TV show, put down the game controller, turn off the music or stop reading that article. You can just glance, see if the information displayed is worthy of your time and come back to it later.
The other interesting thing about texting is the autonomy of it. You can choose whether or not you want to even look at the text. You can choose if you want to respond. You can type out multiple versions of a response - scrap them all - and retype a new response before you send. You are in ultimate control of the time and and delivery of your response. Should you choose to make one.
It is very binary. Call and response. Independent actions.
A phone conversation is much more fluid. The lines can blur between call and response. The person that initiated the conversation may drive the conversation or primarily listen. It is a more collaborative and inclusive process. The capacity for emotional payoff seems higher. The connectivity of the whole thing seems far greater than a text conversation.
And yet, people don’t like it. Why?
My opinion is connection in this world is an over saturated market. We are constantly connected. We know everything about each other. Our profiles tell stories about our adventures and triumphs and promotions and pool parties and new toys.
We are constantly seeing the lives we put online.
One interesting thing to consider about our online lives is we typically don’t put the bad stuff up for the world to see.
It’s embarrassing to lose a job or break up a long relationship. It’s too vulnerable and embarrassing to be sick in front of the whole world. It’s a very binary existence.
This is a problem. We aren’t talking about these things with each other. We are hiding them. Hiding our flaws and amplifying our strengths. We are essentially posting long form resumes across multiple mediums and competing for who can live the best manufactured existence. It’s unhealthy.
We get away with it too because we don’t necessarily have to engage in meaningful ways with each other.
It is very easy to tell someone “I’m great! Just living the dream 😀” while sitting on your couch on a Saturday night in the dark loneliness of an empty apartment.
It is much harder to rebuff a concerned friend’s questions when they can hear your voice. It’s so much harder to pretend everything is fine when you hear the concern in another human’s voice. You can hear the love they have for you. You can feel the love when you hear it. That is healthy. That is family or a circle of trust and support.
Whatever you call it, we are losing it. Our communities are getting more and more fractured by the day. The identity that defined communities is harder to find. Our online communities are nice in many ways but unless they have a physical dimension to them, they are only going to be half as effective.
We need to have these dynamic conversations with real people. Physical people that have complex and emotional responses. And those conversations need to express vulnerability, support, love and connection. That connection is what keeps us civil and progressive. It allows for empathy and charity. It connects us instead of dividing us.
I may be making a mountain out of a mole hill and that’s fine. It’s all connected in my mind. All of these small decisions and selfish conveniences add up to be the whole of who we are. I want to know my friends and family. Not the billboard versions they put up online. I want to know the flawed and complex versions so I can love and support them as well as celebrate their successes.
So I keep calling. It may be annoying to some, but I get more out of it.
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